hey, hey, its your birthday

It's my birthday today, I am 31 years old. Don't feel 31 at all, but what is 31 suppose to feel like? I imagined when I was a kid that 31 was a grown-up, you'd feel like you knew what life was about, you'd have a serious job, lots of responsiblities, married, kids, a house. I have none of things, not right now at least. 31 is nothing like what I thought it would be. And thats a good thing, because I'm making it up as I go along!

Birthdays are a time of reflection for me, I compare, look back, where was I a year ago today, how much has changed, how do I feel about it. my life so far. Its a natural checking in point, I've done this for a while, its not anything new I started as I got "older". I think I always have. Even as a kid I was very aware of myself, of life and of time passing.

Time is a funny thing, it doesn't seem to have any laws that govern it, it makes up it's own rules. Sometimes it feels like it passes by really quickly and at the same time like it's standing still. Music can transport me back to a very real, relived moment in time. Almost errie, how instant this happens, and the longer ago the music was from the more intense the effects it has. Once the music is embedded in a moment of time, it can not be reassigned. For example, Rainer Maria as soon as I put that cd on, it transports me back to my early twenties, got tormented and angry I was, how raw I felt my emotions, and memories of me blasting it in my pea-green bedroom -wishing I had had better parents. I see myself then, smile, and it's hard to even imagine that was me, the same person that's here now. How much we grow and evolve and change. Not all, not everyone grows and changes with time, it's not to be assumed or taken for granted. I worked hard to come as far as I have, a driving force still at work in me to never settle for less, to always strive to become better, stronger, happier, and be a force of change rather then letting life just happen,,, because we only have one life to live.

Unlike how I thought as a child, that when you get to be 30 something, you just have a grown-up life, I realize, we don't just know things or have things because we are a certain age, its a conscious effort, nothing is handed to us, we have to go out there and get it. Life is what you make it. We have complete and total say over what are life is and how it is turning out. Thats a wonderful and frightening thing! Means we have no one to blame and everything to gain!